Waste of Time

I just learned that the past several months of agony may not have been worth suffering.  I put so much effort into something that didn’t exist.  I thought if I tried harder or confessed to my sins again or asked for forgiveness one more time that it might erase what I had done.  But I think what I’ve learned is that no man deserves to hold the keys to your heart, because in the end, they’re just as sinful.  I feel like I wasted my time.  Not that I regret the efforts I made, but it would have been good to know they were worthless. 

I believe there are reasons for everything, and it’s not worthless in that I’ll have learned some lessons from it, but wow.  It would have been nice to skip most of it…especially the parts where someone acted like they had done no wrong, while rubbing my face in my mistakes - especially learning after the fact that they made the same mistakes.  He had integrity and gave it up.  What a stupid child.  All the while I was confessing and repenting and facing what I had done wrong, and he took delight in ruining my reputation to people we barely knew.  I wish all those people knew that he is not so perfect.  He is so lost, and I wasted a lot of time and effort.